Hardwear Sessions

I properly waded through the snow. In the first part it was not really a problem. But then I came into these rock upward swings. The snow of the monsoon was actually stuck up to 30 centimeters in the vertical passages of the wall. I couldn't do anything else than dug the snow away, to find the rock structures underneath, which gave me the necessary halt to go ahead climbing. At yet 7000 meters I was exhausting.

This is like climbing the Eiger Northface by really bad conditions. I just thought that, would I be at home, climbing the Eiger under these conditions, I would instantly descend and go home, drink a cup of coffee and go climbing in the climbing hall in the afternoon. The first rock step is done. Out of breath I stood up there. Now I moved to the right, from the ridge into an edge. A 45 to 50 degrees steep snow field. The snow was deep. I tried. The avalanche situation was at the limit. The snow crystals were not bound to each other due to the cold. Just loose. I crawl, my strength nearly finished. But I moved on. 7100 meters.

The edge ends in a steeper channel. I had to go over there. As soon as it got steeper I glide back into this loose mass of snow. Every time my hearts stood still. Sometimes I slided one meter. Sometimes two. Every single muscle in my body was stressed. Why it suddenly stopped? I had no idea. As soon as I stood still, the tension loosened and the pulse in my head started to beat. A breather. Then I started to ascend in this channel, which was like a playground slide in front of me. I try to move on. Again and again. My nerves were on the edge. The whole thing recurred again and again. Then the next rock passage. Again I had to remove the snow. After the rock passage again a snow slope.

This slack mass wiped my psyche completely out. I never knew if I was standing firmly at the mountain or if I would glide out of the wall in the very next moment. I was in a permanent tension. The snow masses increased every meter. At 7200 meters I traversed back to the pillar edge hoping that there would lie less fresh snow. Over a rock upward swing I stood on a small precipitous platform. This allowed me to put down my backpack and to belay it at an ice axe.

I allowed myself half a litre to drink and a muesli bar, hoping to get back my strength and to get some rest. The glance upwards was destructive. The pillar was lying in a deep winter coat. A quick glance on my watch told me that I needed four and a half hours for 500 meters of altitude difference. The weather: deep blue sky. My self confidence reached its lowest point. What shall I do? Continue? Go back?

This uncertainty, never to know, what I was standing on, and if the snow would not draw back the very next moment, wore me down.

To climb without rope is mentally very demanding. But I can evaluate my points of halt. I see grips and steps. Maybe I find myself a thousand meters above the abyss. My whole weight hangs on a 7 mm wide rock edge. I can see the rock edge. I can judge, if it is solid or not. I know if can get hold of it or not. It doesn't matter how big it is. But I can judge the situation.

Now I found myself for hours in this precarious environment. I definitively could not evaluate the situation anymore. I decided to descend! 7200 meters and I descend. The descent became a war of nerves, too. I lost the sense of time. I just realised how tense I climbed downwards. Once I arrived at my camp at 6700 meters I sat down in the snow. My euphoria of yesterday had gone. I drank something. Since a long time I found myself at a secure place. But there was no sign of relief at all.

Now my thoughts started to rotate at full speed. What am I doing here? I thought about the past hours. I got angry about myself!

It's clear as daylight: under such conditions to climb such a difficult route is impossible. And again I think: „You are too weak!", „Have you just got too little will?" At least one hour I sat there. My biggest wish was to fly back home immediately the very next day.

After one hour I started to pack my belongings. I just wanted to get down. And I would immediately stop doing alpinism. I didn't see a reason why not! Half of the backpack was nearly filled and I started to strike my tent.

But then I picked up courage again. "It is only Septeber 13", I thought. I would have at least one more month time to go for Makalu summit. I started to unpack my backpack again. At that very moment I had no plan, how I could possibly climb the west pillar. But in a month a lot can change.

I anchored my tent and deposited my material in it. Maybe the conditions would get better soon. Currently I did not believe this at all. I started my descent back to BC with mixed feelings. And I descended while the weather was beautiful!

Is it really necessary to expose oneself to such risk? I felt depressed. Fully motivated and with plenty of confidence I got into this project. And now everything seems to be over. My thoughts continue to circulate.

At 12 o'clock I had radio contact with Andy Waelchli. He and Robert Boesch were on the way to summit on the normal route. They sunk into the snow, too. A small consolation for me. They reached 6500 meters that day. Less high than I did. Robert went up the following day at 6800 meters before giving up too. So my decision was not completely wrong.

Back at BC I am relieved. I took a shower. I ate hot potatoes with chees and dry meat. I didn't really know what to do. The next day Andy came down. And the other day Robert. We consult each other. We all agreed, that under these circumstances a summit ascent was hopeless.

At least the weather was fine. The sun was shining and we had no precipitation anymore.This matter of fact seems even more unbearable: to sit here at BC and wait while the weather is gorgeous.

In the night my thoughts bothered me. History of alpinism shows clearly that everything has to fit if you want to summit a mountain over 8000 meters. And fact is that nothing fits at the moment. Also my mental situation is not at its best. I consider many different options. Maybe a route over the southface? The sun radiation is much higher and the snow-transformation goes on much faster. I could just traverse from the west pillar.

At the end I reject all these thoughts. If it doesn't work on the west pillar, I won't work also on the southface.I decided to go back to my small camp at 6700 meters. The actual traverse of two peaks over 6000 meters: Jumeaux one and Jumeaux two. Andy came with me. This was on Wednesday, September 16. The track of Sunday was still there. This meant: the snow situation had not changed at all.

Without equipment we reached 6700 meter at 6 o'clock in the morning. It was bitter cold. The sun was still hidden behind Makalu.

I pack fast, so that we did not have to stay too long in the cold. I was happy that Andy accompanied me. After a long time of thinking I came to the conclusion that a summit attempt on the west pillar is not possible under these conditions. On the normal route it is more likely to be possible. If...I left food, tent and cooker at 6700 meter. I took my down equipment back to BC. In this way I leave a tiny chance open for the west pillar. We descended.

Now I am sitting at BC and I am happy to have taken down my material. Now, I have open all possibilities. At the moment, the west pillar is an illusion. Just a dream. The normal route: if we are lucky, we have a chance. We have still three weeks to go until the jet stream let the winds increase at 8000 meters and make a summit attempt impossible. Three weeks...The most important thing is, that we come back home safe. And for sure we will be all richer of one more experience. I for myself got in touch with my limits up there.

Anxious we study the weather forecast. Actually Robert, Andy and I wanted to start on Saturday, so yesterday. The weather forecast looked as if it would get better. But then on Saturday the message of Meteotest told that the models would roll over. A disorder is coming in. Monday, Tuesday. Again break off. But the weather is not bad at all. Shall we believe the weather forecast or not? Again we wait. If Meteotest is right and if we ascend anyway, and if the forecasted precipitation really do come in, then we would be stuck up there. The avalanche situation would be acute. So we better wait, although the disorder is not too bad as presumed. We rather stay at BC and get nerved than be up there and the precipitation will come true.

A weather forecast is always only a prediction. But these predictions can be essential. They can prevent us from critical and disagreeable situations.
All the best,
Ueli Steck

Monday afternoon, September 21, 2009 sms message of Ueli:
"Robert, Andy and I are on the way on the normal route. We reached camp 1 at 6000 meters. Tomorrow we move on to camp 2."